Bad Hair Day

Bad Hair Czar decrees Ace Young is your American Idol

Dear America,

What are you thinking?  Why are you not voting for this hot head of hair that happens to be on a shockingly gorgeous face?  Why are you voting for people with bad hair like Bucky, Paris, and Elliot?  You're even voting for a bald dude?!  I don't care if you have too much of a life to watch lame karoake, look up his 800 number on the internet and VOTE! I don't care if you have to watch American Idol on mute, it's usually better that way. But like all things in life, please do not let your admiration go towards those with talent, direct it towards those with great hair.  Ace may or may not be able to sing, I really can't tell with that lousy falsetto he always breaks into.  But there is no arguing that he has the most fantastic man-bob since Brendan Fraser went bald.

P.S. Screw you all for not voting for David Radford . . . and John Stevens. . . and Anthony Federline - and all the terrible singers I liked who lost.

Sharon Osbourne: Mom Award ≠ Mom Hair

Okay, Sharon - congratulations on your Celebrity Mother of the Year Award.  Sure, it doesn't mean anything since Kate Moss was third on the list and two of your children have been in rehab. But it's something, right?

But did you have to show up with full-on, in your face, Mom hair?  The bangs in front, the crazy hairspray volume up top that ends in a wispy flip - why doesn't she just buy a minivan so she can transport her collection of small dogs to their soccer games?

Paris and Nicky Hilton: Tandem Bad Hair Day #872

I'm trying to understand what went through the heads of Paris and Nicky Hilton as they got ready for some non-event excuse to give out giftbags and take pictures of ho-bags.

Paris: I'm totally going to frost my hair so it looks frozen and gray.

Nicky: That's so hot.  I'm gonna throw my scraggly strands into a pony tail, just like I do when I purge.

Paris: That's so hot.  And then we'll both just stare vacantly until we get an offer to do a Valtrex commerical.

Nicky: Herpes is so hot.

Sadly, I realize my quest for understanding is in vain - because cement doesn't contemplate what its being molded into.  It just shows up, gets walked all over, and hopefully one day cracks and crumbles away into obscurity.

American Idol Bad Hair: Vote these Bitches Off!

Now that "Chicken Little" Kevin and his ironic faux sex symbol status are over, we can bask in the bad hair of the other idols.  First off, Elliot's blunt caesar cut is so bad that it makes him look like a pedophile trucker.  He may think he looks like George Clooney, but everyone else knows otherwise.  Seriously if that dude couldn't sing, he would shatter your screen from his creepiness.

And Paris needs to unclip the clip-on extensions.  They make her look like a Llaso Apso.

VOTE ACE!!!

Blow Out: Bad Hair Day Reviews a Bad Hair Show

I don't know how I get sucked into it every season.  I sit down expecting to watch a show about a talented hairstylist, but instead a see a show about a prima donna reality TV whore. 

The first episode of Bravo's Blow Out was the most scripted, set up, manic attempt to glamourize a jackass that I've ever seen.  For some reason, Jonathan really wants us to believe that he's so god damned busy.  He has to show up at his Salon and do a cursory Fonzzie "Hey" walk-through to all the stylists doing the actual work, he has to meet with his manager/ego-stroker, he has to go to a meeting with the people who do the actual work on his hair product line and throw a tantrum (if a high school dropout can even grasp the chemistry behind sophisticated hair product lines, let alone claim he made the formulas, then Jessica Simpson can cure cancer).  And of course, he has to give a baby a haircut, when his actual baby is M.I.A. throughout the entire episode.  He will talk about his baby to anyone will listen, but do you think this bitch ever changes a diaper? 

He wants you to believe it's all about the hair.  It's all about making people confident and happy.  But it's not.  It's all about making Jonathan happy, and portraying Jonathan to be the most dramatic and talented hair God of all time.  Jonathan doesn't listen to anyone or care about what they want, which is why he is the last person I would ever trust to do my hair. 

He is also the last person that anyone should trust to do hair for their ad campaign, as proven by the poor people at Revolver clothing.  Jonathan decides not to listen to the client, who asks Jonathan to create above the shoulder, lifted styles that showcase some frankly cheap and pedestrian looking clothes. Instead, Jonathon sends one of his workhorse hairdressers to get 4 feet of extensions - and then strips the models naked, covering them up with fake hair.  Of course, a scripted blow up occurs between Revolver clothing and Jonathon.  But all ends up well, when for some strange reason they decide to go with Jonathon's naked hype campaign, instead of their practical idea to, I don't know, actually sell the clothes.

This show is not about hair, it's about Jonathan and his struggles to get the most camera time as possible.  As a fan of hair, I have a pretty good idea why the hair doesn't take center stage.  This is because Jonathan Antin is not as amazing of a hairstylist as he'd like to have you believe.  When he actually does a haircut (which is only ever so occasionally, because he's too busy jetsetting to various look-at-me activities), it isnt' worth the $300 some poor woman got charged for it.  It's a capable haircut, that is styled by some poor assistant who gets paid 1/1000th that Jonathan does and has to put up with the 1000x bitch boss.  I wish these women would save themselves the money and just find a sane stylist for 1/3 the price.  But of course, these women want to pay more money for the hype, for the hope that she'll walk down the street with a piece of art on her head that other people will recognize and admire.  But Jonathan doesn't give people art - his haircuts are high-quality but typical and they all look the same because Jonathan doesn't have very many hair tricks up his sleeve.  I don't consider him to be an artist, but rather a technician who slaps a high price on 20 minutes of work, and then bitches and whines about how he doesn't have time to cut the hair of the hundreds of insecure women who line up around the block.

But it isn't just his haircuts that are overrated, it's his hairstyles as well.  In the second season, Jonathan proved to anyone with a rudimentary knowledge of hair that he didn't know the difference between pin curls and spit curls. When Jonathan does a hairstyle for a photo shoot or B-list celebrity, it ends up looking like bad country wedding hair from Dolly Parton's salon in Steel Magnolias: Curled, fluffy, and artless.  Depending on where you are going, this could be nice hair.  But for someone with all the hype of lousy reality TV show behind him, why isn't he doing something different, or stunning,  or at the very least, something we haven't seen him do over and over again.

Seriously, do you think this frizz-ridden hairstyle he did for Diana DeGarmo is all that amazing or skilled?  Is this any different from what a reasonably priced hairdresser with a couple years experience can do?  Would you spend hundreds of dollars and tolerate Jonathan's bitching for this?

Jonathan has to throw tantrums.  He has to cry, he has to pout, he has to kick doors and pick fights with anyone who won't blindly put up with him.  Because if you took that away, he would just be a metrosexual asshole who wants to be on TV because he charges too much for haircut.  And of course, people like me will watch because we love to hate him for it.  It also makes me appreciate my much cheaper haircut from my extremely pleasant hairdresser, who actually listens to my requests and doesn't throw hair product at doors.

All photos obtained from Bravo.  If you really want to punish yourself, read Jonathan's Blog

Bad Hair Day Quickies

Yes, that hair is definitely OUT!  Give that tired wig a rest already. . . a big ol' Nay and NEIGH to this horsefaced catastrophe.

Okay, Paris, you're almost there!  Now just grow your bangs out another six inches and they'll cover up your entire face.

Now this, is what a real Jenny from the block would look like!

Now please explain why so many women find Josh Harnett attractive?

Sharon Stone, best of luck promoting your latest unsuccessful movie/desperate cling at fame.  This is the wig your career will be buried in.

Rachel Zoe: Those Who Cannot Style Their Hair, Become Stylists to the Stars!

Rachel Zoe (formerly Rachel Zoe Rosenzweig), you have Bad Hair and Bad Fashion.  And not only do you subject the world to your hideous taste by your own appearance, but by the young starlet clones you dress from your very own tragic closet.  And the hair. . . oh the hair is straight up sad.

 

First of all, most of the hair is probably hers - because who would pay for lousy extensions like that?  As you can see, the hair is super-stringy (like she is) and its long length just weighs the hair down and makes it look even thinner.  The color is dingy and too close to her dinghy skin color.  And the bangs which I suppose are meant to cover up the deep lines in her forehead, just draw more attention to them.

I had to include a picture of Zoe with Nicole Ritchie just to prove to others and myself, that Rachel Zoe is not a 55 year old Nicole Ritchie who traveled back in time to warn the young Nicole that starving yourself gets uglier as you age.  According to the rules from Back to the Future, these two wouldn't be allowed to be in the same room without something cataclysmic happening.  As you can see, the only thing cataclysmic is the hair - which is curled within an inch of its life, but still looks flat and fugly.  And if that weren't bad enough, we have to see Rachel's Zoe's 55 year old sternum.

Surprisingly, Rachel Zoe claims to be only 33, but the creepy wrinkles on her lips when she talks (that anyone who watched her guest judge on America's Next Top Model saw and were repulsed by) say otherwise.  Maybe the Diet Coke/Cocaine/Cigarette diet she passed on to LiLo and Nicole "Alienface" Ritchie, caught up with her.  But it's much more likely that she is a good 10-15 years older.  And her hairstyle is 10-15 years past its prime.  No wonder the stupid starlets who pay her $6000 a day to "style" them have such terrible hair.  It can all be traced back to Rachel Zoe, the Grandma Stylist to the Stars.

American Idol's Taylor Hicks to dye away his individuality

TMZ.com reports that Taylor Hicks (the old-looking dude on American Idol) is going to gradually dye away his gray hair for a more youthful image. Now while I agree that dyeing out the gray in phases is a smart choice for any man who decides to ditch gray - I don't agree with this overall decision.

First of all, why are so many men afraid of gray hair?  Plenty of men look distinguished with gray hair, such as the dreamy George Clooney, the neurotically hot Steve Martin, and the short sweetie John Stewart.  Why not just go with it?  And in a competition where standing out from the rest of wannabes is the surefire way to stick around, why blend in?

Taylor has a fantastic advantage over other men who color away gray - he has access to professional colorists.  Most men prefer to spend their hard-earned money on internet porn and beer, so when it comes to hair dye they pick up a $10 box of Just For Men and do it themselves.  The color on the box doesn't always equal the color that goes on your head, so sometimes it works, and sometimes it doesn't.  Gray hair doesn't pick up color as easily as hair that has more natural pigment in it, so high quality color is key.  There's no shame in going to a colorist to take care of your gray, but it probably means you'll spend more than $9 on your haircut.  You might have to cut down your internet porn subscriptions from 4 to 2 to fit it in your budget, but trust me, it's worth it. 

Debbie Harry: Get a Wigmaster.

Would Cher ever leave the house without a wig?  And neither should you, Debbie Harry.  Your natural hair is obviously a dyed over grey - which explains the unflattering carrot red.  Also the hair is very thin, even though the stylist did all they could to add some thickness to it.

It's not just men whose hair gets worse with age - it happens to women too.  Fortunately, most women don't resort to glued on hairpieces or creepy hairplug surgery.  Instead, most older women get great wigs or temporary hair pieces to restore their former hair glory.  You should definitely look into that, Blondie.  Your hair shouldn't look like tragic crap on the day you are inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.

Quoth the Raven Symone, "Nevermore."

Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered, weak and weary,
Over many a quaint and curious volume of bad hair lore,
While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping,
As of someone gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door.
" 'Tis some visitor," I muttered, "tapping at my chamber door;
Only bad bird hair, and nothing more."