You know, it's hard out here for a Czar. The hair at this year's Oscars was so bad, I had to do a wet set on my Shih Tzu to cheer myself up. For starters, what was up with the terrible up-dos? If they weren't too tight and too creepy like Jennifer Lopez - they were too busy and too frizzy like Uma Thurman and Charlize Theron.
As J. Lo squeezed her ass into her stylist's chair, did she request the wax figure look? Did she specifically request that her hair be pulled facelift tight, and then some weird pastry-like bun be constructed in the back? And did Uma request a bird-like style, to match her bird features? To truly realize how hideous Charlize Theron's beehive was, you must see it from the front and the back:
It was BAD. Sure, everyone talked about how bad her dress was - but the hair was worse. Now, I like big hair. But it has to be big, artful hair. This ain't it. This up-do has some unhealthy looking frizz in the front and looks like it was held in place by hairspray and rubber cement in the back. She will be washing product of out her hair for a week, and will continue to find bobby pins nested in her skull for the next year.
Then there was limp, supermarket-caliber hair. Forgive me for expecting most people to at least put some effort into their hair. Would you wear khakis and a sweater to the Oscars? No. Then why did some women not even try when it came to their tresses?
Jennifer, you are only proving that Angelina Jolie is a definite upgrade. Angelina is too pregnant right now to be a sex symbol (except to people with odd fetishes), you should have stepped it up so that Team Aniston could earn a few points. And Kidman, the frizz in your thinning, colorless hair could put an eye out. I just don't get it, why didn't these women try??
And the worst hair couple easily easily goes to Tim Burton and Helena Bonham Carter:
Easily! It wasn't even a race. We get it, you're quirky, artistic geniuses. But guess what, you're not Clay-mation characters. Take it down, brush it out, or take it somewhere else.
I'll conclude with the Best Hair and the Worst Hair.
I don't know why I felt the need to label Keira's hair as the worst, since it speaks for itself. The color is hideous, the hair looked like it was pulled back without the aid of a mirror, and the dangling pieces of pathetic hair on the sides looked juvenile. The "Ponytail" is the only remotely polished part of the style, and it's a clip-on extension.
But now that I've ranted about the worst, let me end on the best. Jessica Alba, I have no idea what you were doing presenting at the Oscars because you have a snowball's chance in hell of ever receiving one. But thank you for showing up with a fantastic and fun updo. It was flattering and flawless, and it was the best hair of the evening.
So that's the Oscars for 2006, and the mostly terrible hair that dared to show up. The only good thing that came out of this Hair Horror, is that my dog's wet set turned out perfectly.